A note from Ms. Hammond: I asked Sutton to rank all of the Star Wars movies, but the film universe is growing constantly. Because he hadn’t seen the newer trilogy, and because I think the newer trilogy is a great example of how to take an established franchise and completely botch any chance of a new era revival. Or maybe I just really, really don’t like Kylo Ren. Anyway, for that reason, The Last Jedi (2017) and The Rise of Skywalker (2019) aren’t on this list. Consider them at #8 and #9.
Okay, over to Sutton for this one…
#7 The Phantom Menace (1999)
This movie is boring; it’s basically just introducing the characters. The Jedis, Qui Gon and his apprentice Obi Wan Kenobi head to Naboo and realize that the Sith (bad guys) are back and that the queen is in trouble. They then meet Jar Jar Binks (one of the goats) , a gungan who was cast out of their society. The queen of Naboo and the leader of the gungans meet to team up and beat the trade federation and then… Oh my gosh… the person we thought was the queen really isn’t the queen and the person who really is the queen is Padme. Then they go to Tatooine because their ship broke down, and they meet a funky looking parts guy who can only be described as a worse looking version of the dog from Coco. The parts guy, Watto, has a little slave boy named Anakin Skywalker. They end up freeing him and getting the parts needed to fix the ship, but along the way they figure out he had a crazy high midi-chlorian count… and that he might be the young Jedi in the prophecy. Qui Gon and Obi Wan basically kidnap him and take him to the Jedi Council where Yoda and the rest of the council decide that he is too fearful to be trained. The movie ends with Qui Gon dying and Obi Wan becomes Anakin’s trainer.
#6 A New Hope (1977)
Honestly, this is another filler movie. (Note from Hammond: definitely not filler; definitely the movie that started it all, but sure, Sutton!) Yeah it’s good, but I feel like literally nothing happened. Princess Leia is trapped on the Death Star with the plans to destroy the Death Star, ironically. She hides the plans in R2D2, a little beeping robot, and he goes to Tatooine in search of Obi Wan. Instead he ends up in the hands of the young Luke Skywalker. While cleaning R2D2, Luke comes across the hologram that Leia left behind and ends up finding Obi Wan, who was actually a hermit going by the name Ben Kenobi (creative and inconspicuous). Now that I’m really thinking about it, I did not enjoy this movie; it was a complete snoozefest. Luke is given a lightsaber by Obi Wan which might be the dumbest thing ever? They wouldn’t give Anakin a lightsaber when he was untrained, but they will give Luke one? Luke’s aunt and uncle get absolutely obliterated, and he decides to join Obi Wan on his journey. They get Han Solo to help them, who is the most overrated character ever, and I stand on that. I can’t remember the rest of the movie… except I know that Obi Wan dies. One of the most mid movies I have watched. (Note from Hammond: they literally blow up the Death Star at the end of this one???)
#5 The Force Awakens (2015)
To be completely honest with you, I really don’t think I remember anything that happened in this movie. Rey is an alright main character, but don’t get it twisted she will NEVER be Luke or Anakin. (Note from Hammond: she very specifically was never supposed to be, but go off Star Wars king!) I think that she finds an old Luke in this movie, but that’s really all I remember. (Note from Hammond: nope.) Finn is alright, but I don’t really like him because he’s a traitor; he was a Storm Trooper, but he left because who knows but I don’t like people who switch sides. (Note from Hammond: riveting commentary here, Sutton.) Uhm… Kylo Ren is pretty cool and has a dope lightsaber. Oh yeah, there is the pilot in the movie I think, but to be honest he is irrelevant. (Note from Hammond: The Force Awakens had a ton of potential for a revival of the series, especially positioning Finn and Kylo Ren as foils. I mean come on, the tantruming evil-aligned son of two of the galaxy’s most famous rebel fighters and a nameless, faceless former Storm Trooper with a natural inclination for good… and a natural connection to The Force. Plus, as much as I love Padme and Leia, you get your first female protagonist who– at this point– doesn’t come from a royal bloodline. Rey, Finn, and Poe– the fighter pilot– could’ve been one heck of a trio, but with a major shift in director and direction of story… well, this one kind of went down the drain. In other words, I respectfully disagree with Sutton here. Also, I think he might’ve only seen this movie once.)
#4 Empire Strikes Back (1980)
Honestly, don’t remember too much about this movie, but I do remember more about this movie than The Force Awakens. (Note from Hammond: starting to wonder which of these movies he does remember… could’ve sworn I told him to rewatch…) Luke does get captured by a yeti which is actually pretty cool; I like the yeti. After he escapes he freezes and hallucinates his late master Obi Wan to go train under Yoda. The Empire finds the location of the Rebels and launches a massive attack to take their base. The Rebels get split up, Luke and R2D2 are together, and the others are on the Millenium Falcon. Luke finally meets Yoda, and this is where Luke becomes unlikeable in this move… He becomes a whiny baby who says that he can’t do things. Han and the gang go to the cloud city where they meet up with Lando, who unbeknownst to them, actually set them up. They get captured and are being used as bait. Luke figures out that… OH MY GOSH… Darth Vader is his father! Oh yeah, he also lost his hand in the process? But… Luke is still alive, and he gets his hand replaced. THE END.
#3 Return of The Jedi (1983)
This movie is good, but it just doesn’t beat my nostalgia bias of the other two movies, sadly. Han is in the hands of Jabba the Hutt, and Luke makes a plan to rescue him. Leia goes to Jabba with Chewbacca chained up pretending to be a bounty hunter, which might be the stupidest thing I have ever seen. She, of course, ends up getting captured. Luke comes to help Leia and the others, and, of course, gets captured, too… Because why not? It’s not like he’s the most powerful Jedi in the world or anything… He survives a battle with this ugly Demogorgon-dog-looking-thing, but gets sentenced to death. Somehow, he freed himself and Leia, then ends up killing Jabba by strangling him. I have no clue how you can strangle someone with that big of a neck, honestly. Luke goes to visit Yoda and sees that he is dying; Yoda then reveals that it is true that Darth Vader is his father… and he was once Anakin Skywalker. Oh yeah, they also confirm that his twin sister is Leia… which is a bit awkward. Meanwhile, as they’re in family counseling or whatever, The Empire is constructing another Death Star, REF, DO SOMETHING. They go to the forest planet to destroy a forcefield protecting the Death Star, where they meet my favorite species in the series, Ewoks. Luke goes to Vader trying to convince him to change back to the Jedi; Luke is then taken to The Emperor… surprise, there’s another bigger, badder Big Bad… in an attempt to turn him to the Dark Side. Elsewhere, The Rebels are going to fall into a trap but are saved by the goats (the Ewoks). Luke and Vader fight again… Vader loses his right hand… The Emperor wants Luke to take Vader’s place… The Emperor then strikes Luke with lightning for refusing (I genuinely hate this guy), but then Vader, picks up The Emperor, and throws him down a chamber killing him. Anakin ( yeah, I said Anakin… no way this is Vader in this moment) gets electrocuted to death where in his final moments he requests to have the mask removed before he dies in his son’s arms. The Rebels then attack the Death Star and destroy it again. A full circle end to the original trilogy of films.
#2 Attack of the Clones (2002)
HOT TAKE ALERT: Yes, I know people publicly dislike this movie, but I really love this movie. (Note from Hammond: people who publicly dislike this movie because they hate fun… and bad CGI.) I cannot give you a good explanation on why I like it so much, I just do. Actually… to be honest, I think the main reason I like it so much is Anakin and Padme’s growing relationship, but anyways let’s get into it. Padme almost gets assassinated, then gets placed under the protection of Anakin and Obi Wan. The two stop a second assassination attempt on her life. Obi Wan is assigned the task of finding the bounty hunter who tried to kill her, and Anakin is assigned to bring Padme back to Naboo. The two develop a romantic relationship with each other. Aw. Obi Wan then discovers an army of clones on the ocean planet where he meets Jango Fett and deduces that he is the bounty hunter. They then fight, as they do in these films, and Jango escapes to a desert planet where he is followed by Obi Wan. Anakin gets bad dreams of his mother in pain, so he and Padme go to Tatooine. Shmi, his mom, was abducted, and Anakin then finds her dead in the camp. My favorite part of the movie happens where Anakin just goes berserk on all of the Tusken Raiders. It’s here that we get the famous (or infamous) line: “I killed them. I killed them all. And not just the men, but the women and the children, too.” (Note from Hammond: I’ll admit it… this line goes kind of hard. Mostly because Anakin’s descent into the Dark Side goes kind of hard. Anyway, carry on Sutton.) Obi Wan spies on a meeting led by Count Dooku and realizes that they are developing a clone army. He gets captured along with Anakin and Leia. They are sent to execution but are saved by a group of Jedi. An all out battle starts, Obi Wan and Anakin start a 2-vs-1 battle against Dooku, which is kind of a wimp move. Dooku injures both of them, but takes off Anakin’s right arm. Yoda shows up and fights Dooku, ending in a stalemate. The film ends in a marriage. (Note from Hammond: a marriage… how Shakespearean!)
#1 Revenge of the Sith (2005)
If this isn’t your number one, you don’t know ball, and I don’t want to hear a single word come out of your mouth. This is peak cinema. (Note from Hammond: Sutton and I rarely agree on things… this we agree on 100%) Anakin and Obi Wan go t0 rescue Senator Palpatine from General Grievous; they then meet Dooku… and Anakin fights him eventually executing him. The Jedi crash land; Anakin meets back up with Padme who reveals she’s pregnant. Anakin was excited until he kept having visions of her dying while giving birth. Palpatine wants Anakin to join the council, but the council refuses to give him the rank of Jedi Master and instead wants him to spy on Palpatine. Anakin’s trust in the Jedi is slowly fading, so Palpatine tempts Anakin with the power of the Dark Side… like saving your loved ones from death. Palpatine reveals himself to be Darth Sidious and says that only he knows how to save Padme from death. In his pursuit to save his wife, he becomes Darth Vader and fully turns to the Dark Side. (Note from Hammond: slay.) Eventually, Anakin goes to the lava planet, Mustafar, where he is met by Padme and Obi Wan; they try to bring him back from the Dark Side. When he refuses, Anakin chokes Padme unconscious and begins his duel with Obi Wan, his teacher. This is where we hear Obi Won scream the famous line: “you were the chosen one!”. Eventually good wins; Obi Won severs Anakin’s legs and arms, and leaves him on the bank of a lava river to be terribly burned. Yoda and Palpatine fight ending in a stalemate; Palpatine senses Anakin in danger and goes to save him. Padme gives birth to twins, Luke and Leia before dying. Palpatine finds Anakin and then turns him into the true Darth Vader. Vader and the Emperor oversee the construction of the Death Star. Luke and Leia are separated into different families. Obi Wan will watch over Luke until the time is right to strike back… putting us right back at the beginning of the trilogy. This is literally one of the best movies ever made and no one can change my mind. (Note from Hammond: unfortunately, Sutton forgot to tell you why it’s one of the best movies ever made. So I’ll tell you why I love it… I think the idea of Anakin loving Padme so much that he’d do anything to save her is, well, fun. It’s always a fun twist to see good essentially lose out to evil. Most of all, though, I love Padme’s delivery of one of the more powerful lines in the films: “So this is how democracy dies, with thunderous applause…” Whew. What a banger.)
Star Wars day is coming up (May the 4th be with you, haha, get it?), so consider celebrating by pulling off a movie marathon and telling us what your ranking is!
